Having a threesome is a popular fantasy. Many people have read erotic stories or watched porn and get very aroused at the idea of having two other people to satisfy their sexual needs. They may also be turned on by the thought of having two people who rely on them for satisfaction.
Before you arrange to have a threesome with two other people though, you should consider the implications.
Threesomes Aren’t Simple
A lot of people who are turned on by the idea of a threesome think that it is simply a fun way to make sex more interesting. And it can be very interesting! But remember that if sex with two people is complicated, sex with three people involved is even more complicated!
With two people, sex means thinking about two sets of needs and desires. You have to make sure both of you are getting enough attention and that both of you are thinking about the other person, as well as yourself.
Add one more person in and you’ve now got three sets of needs and desires. There are now three people who need attention.
When you have a threesome, it’s important to find three people who have desires that work well together. If you have two kinky people who are into bondage or pain or taking control but one other person who is very vanilla, it’s not going to work very well.
Consider what appeals to you sexually. Do you like to be in control? Then you might not want a third person who also likes to take control. You might want to have two people who are more on the sexually submissive scale and only one person who likes to take control.
If you are more on the vanilla scale of sexual desires, you should likely look for other people who are likewise less sexually adventurous. If you invite a third into your bedroom who likes to tie people up and the two of you aren’t into that, the third person may be bored!
It’s Never Just Sexual
Even when it is “just sex”, it’s never just sex. There will be emotions involved at some point.
At the very least, if you’re thinking of having a threesome, you should find three people who at least like each other. Even if you are all just friends, it’s going to be so much easier to navigate a threesome if you all get along well, already.
Alternatively, you might be able to minimize feelings and emotions with someone you have never met before and never plan to see again. Of course, this can bring in issues of safety. Can you trust them to abide by your rules? Will they stop if you ask them to stop?
So, even if you are having a threesome with someone you’ll never see again, it’s not just sexual. There’s a whole slew of safety concerns to consider.
A Threesome Is Not A Relationship Fix
Sometimes, couples in a relationship get bored in bed. It’s bound to happen. You get to know each other very well and it can be easy to stick to what works. But that makes sex predictable.
If you’re thinking of spicing up your relationship with a threesome, you should know that it is not likely to fix what might not be working in your relationship. In fact, it might even cause more problems.
Having a threesome might bring up feelings of jealousy and insecurities. If you invite a third person into your relationship, there’s always the possibility that another relationship may develop between your partner and the person you invited in. Or, your partner might question why you need someone else.
If you are having a difficult period in your relationship, it’s better to address the real issues before even thinking about having a threesome. If your problems are in the bedroom, there are other ways to spice up your sex life. If the problems in your relationship are outside the bedroom, it’s best not to create more potential issues in your sex life!
Talk, Talk, And More Talk
If you are in a relationship with someone and you want to have a threesome with them and someone else, you’ll need to talk extensively with your partner about it. Make sure that both of you are doing it for the right reasons.
Sometimes, one person wants a threesome and the other doesn’t really want it but will give in because the other is so into it. If this happens, it can cause problems later on down the road. The person who wasn’t really into it might feel resentment about being pressured into doing something they didn’t want to do.
Next, the two of you need to decide what you think a threesome should look like.
Will you invite a man or a woman to join you? If one of you is bisexual, this is an easy choice. If neither of you is bisexual, this makes things more challenging because someone is going to get the attention of two people. Finally, if one of you wants another man to join and the other wants another woman, how are you going to decide? Will you agree on one or the other or will you perhaps have two threesomes to accommodate both interests?
Finally, you should talk about a few other things.
- How will you choose a third? Will it be someone you know or will you create a couple’s profile on a dating site and find someone completely new?
- Will it be a one-time thing or are you open to doing it more than once?
- What if someone develops feelings for the third?
- What is your plan if one of you wants to stop?
- What kind of sexual activity is allowed? Kissing? Oral? Anal?
If all these questions are boring or intimidating to you, you likely aren’t ready to have a threesome yet because these conversations are essential.
If you are thinking of having a threesome with two other people that you don’t know, who are in a relationship together, or who are just friends with you, talking about it is still important.
You should all talk about the kind of activities that are acceptable. Can you just watch? Who can you touch/not touch? What if feelings develop? Is it a one-time thing? Is there a safe word (there should be!)?
The more you talk about the threesome ahead of time, the more likely it will be good for everyone involved. There’s also a good chance that talking will lead you to the conclusion that you don’t want to have a threesome with these people or maybe don’t want to have one at all.
If you decide not to engage in a threesome, remember that you don’t owe anyone anything and you can change your mind any time. Sometimes, a fantasy is just a fantasy. It doesn’t have to be acted out.
